Money Dates with Your Partner
In the United States, February 14th marks the peak of romance. You can hardly enter a store without being surrounded by red hearts, teddy bears, and balloons saying “Be Mine”. Companies would have you think that love is chocolates, flowers and jewelry. But, what could be more romantic than talking about money??
I’m kidding (kind of).
When my husband and I first started dating, we split all our expenses 50-50. Even once we started living together, we made about the same salaries so we continued to split our household expenses 50-50.
We’d been married almost 2 years before I came across the idea of a Money Date.
What’s a Money Date?
A Money Date is a time when you sit down with your partner to discuss the financial aspects of your lives.
The most important part of a Money Date is that it’s a set time on your calendar. It’s not one partner coming home from work and saying “Hey, I want to talk about my credit card debt tonight”, while the other partner is in the middle of making dinner and responding to some last minute emails from work. This is a scheduled time for the two of you to put aside other tasks and sit down for an hour to talk money.
Our First Money Date
My husband and I scheduled our first Money Date for Sunday night at 6pm. I made an itinerary of items I wanted to talk about, ready to have a super productive first Money Date. How naïve of me.
We started talking through some of the items on my list, but things quickly got heated and ended with both of us in separate rooms. But you know what? 30 minutes later when we had both calmed down, we were glad we did it.
Having a Money Date can be like pulling out a splinter. You know it’s going to hurt, but you have to do it before you can start to heal.
That’s exactly what my first Money Date with my husband was like. We both got angry, but, even still, we knew it was a step in the right direction because we were finally talking about things.
After a few more money dates, we got better at staying calm and addressing issues more respectfully. But the improved communication actually wasn’t the best result of our Money Dates. Our dreams were.
My husband and I used to talk constantly about things we wanted to do “someday” - places we wanted to travel to, things we wanted to see or do, but they were never concrete.
After starting our monthly Money Dates, our “someday” dreams suddenly started to become more solid. It was no longer “It would be fun to visit Yellowstone with you someday” but “Let’s visit Yellowstone next year. We’ll save up the money together. I have $500 I can contribute right now.”
When we finally started talking through money together, we knew what our common goals were and how much progress we made towards those goals.
Discussing these shared dreams together and figuring out how to make them a reality created a new dynamic for our partnership. It was no longer “You contribute X, and I contribute Y” it was both of us working towards our dreams together.
So this Valentine’s Day, what could be more romantic than sitting down with your partner and dreaming together?
Tips for your Money Date
1. Set a date. It can be monthly or weekly, but choose a time or date for your Money Date and write it on the calendar for the next 6 months. Have a scheduled time to discuss money with your partner.
2. Make it fun! Money can be very stressful. Try to make your Money Date as fun as possible. Get takeout from your favorite restaurant. Pour a glass of wine. Get some pastries from the bakery. Anything to make this a little more enjoyable.
3. Notice your emotions. Despite its reputation for being all numbers, money is very emotional. How do you and your partner talk when you’re discussing money? Do you argue? Do you withdraw? Does one partner take the lead, and the other follows? Try to work through those emotions so you can create a collaborative environment for your Money Dates.
4. Make an itinerary. I keep a note on my phone, so when I think of things throughout the month I can make a note to discuss them during our Money Date. This way, I don’t bombard my husband with issues at a time when he may not be prepared to address them, but I also know I won’t forget to discuss important issues later.
5. Dream big. It can be easy to get lost in the expenses of day to day life. You and your partner may discuss spending on clothes, eating out, the mortgage, kids’ school - and all of those things are worth discussing. But remember to dream outside the regular boundaries of everyday life. How can you and your partner use money as a tool to live your ideal life? Is there a trip you want to take? A bigger house you want to buy? A charity that you want to make a large donation to? How can you and your partner work towards those goals together?
Action items:
Set a time for your Money Date with your partner. Do it right now.
Make a list of a few things you want to discuss regarding money. Here are a few things my husband and I discuss in our Money Dates:
Contributions to our retirement accounts
How much we’re saving for trips & where we want to travel
Saving for new bikes
Deciding how much we need for emergency savings
Our credit scores
Don’t give up. If your first Money Date with your partner goes horribly - congratulations! You both did a great job setting the date and getting the ball rolling on these conversations. Do it again, and again. Like most things in life, it gets easier with practice.
Not sure where to start with your Money Date? Check out these posts about setting goals, opening retirement accounts, and increasing your credit score!
Goal Setting: Start From the Beginning
What Types of Retirement Accounts are Available to Me?
How to Increase Your Credit Score
Your life may not be perfect, but it is imperfectly yours. The only way to live it is your way.
